The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW
Washington, D.C. 20500
Attn: President Barack Obama
June 1, 2013
You’ve had a rough time lately with all the scandals and corruption in your administration. I hate to break it to you, since your closest advisors apparently keep you out of the loop, but the Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, the DOJ surveillance scandal, and the Fast & Furious scandal are all growing legs and even members of your own party are beginning to ask for answers.
I guess surrounding yourself with corrupt, unscrupulous bureaucrats has its consequences. As a pro-life conservative, I never thought I would be offering to help a far-left socialist President, but here goes. First of all, I think you know that you have to change the news cycle in a dramatic way, and fast, or your entire administration is in danger of falling.
Here’s what you need to do. Visualize this: You walk into the Rose Garden before the assembled masses, look into the teleprompter, read the statement that I will compose for you below; and in the vernacular of our youth, “drop it like it’s hot.” Your ‘get out of jail free’ statement is as follows:
Ladies and gentlemen; there comes a time in everyone’s life when, in the words of Alexander Hamilton, “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.” Today I choose to stand for life and officially endorse America’s pro-life movement. I know this is a radical departure from my previous position on abortion and it comes after much introspection and prayer. The greatest nation on earth cannot have as its legacy that we failed to protect the weakest and most vulnerable among us and that we murdered our unborn. I have directed the Attorney General to petition the Supreme Court for immediate injunctive relief from Roe v Wade. Additionally, I stand ready to assist the House and Senate in working towards the permanent repeal of Roe v Wade. And last, but not least, today I signed an Executive Order permanently ending the transfer of taxpayer dollars to Planned Parenthood. This is the first step towards correcting the greatest human tragedy in our nation’s history. May God bless our children and the United States of America.
So there you have it Mr. President. All you have to do is have one of your staff load your statement into TOTUS, look into the screen, and read someone else’s words just like you do every day. The children of America will thank you and you might even actually earn a Nobel Peace Prize this time.
Thanks in advance for your help.